Review: Yoga Hosers

If randomly pieced together movies laden with cameos and fronted by obnoxious teen girls are your idea of a good time, then Kevin Smith's Yoga Hosers will be right up your alley.

"Yoga Hosers is the movie I wanted to see back when I was a 12-year-old girl," Smith has stated. It's not an uncommon method of choosing your next project - most, if not all, directors make movies for themselves in one form or another - but it can be a hit or miss affair. Yoga Hosers, which is a tangential sequel to his previous film Tusk, is firmly a miss.

Real-life BFFs Lily-Rose Depp (daughter of Johnny) and Harley Quinn Smith (daughter of Kevin) reprise their roles as the Colleens, who while away the hours not working at the Eh to Zed convenience store owned by Colleen C's dad (Tony Hale) when they're not glued to their phones, having band practice with their heavily-tatted, 35-year-old drummer (Adam Brody) in the back of the store, or serving shade and snark to everyone around them. Now Depp and Smith are both natural presences and it's understandable that Kevin Smith would want to capture their easygoing chemistry, but neither they nor the Colleens are enough to anchor a film that plods along for 87 interminable minutes.

Not that there's much of a film to anchor. The narrative is incurably allergic to rhyme and reason. Austin Butler shows up as the senior dreamboat who invites the sophomore Colleens to a party with the intention of robbing Colleen M of her virgin soul. His plans go awry when he's thwarted by an army of Bratzis, tiny Canadian Mountie-outfitted Nazis made of bratwurst with concentrated sauerkraut for blood who crawl up people's behinds and burst out of their throats. They're part of the dormant Canadian Nazi Party that has been presently resurrected by Andronicus Arcane (Ralph Garman), a mad scientist and Al Pacino and Sylvester Stallone impersonator who has also created the Goalie Golem, a hockey mask wearing creature assigned to destroy all the critics and haters. It's up to the girls to fight off the Bratzis with the help of Tusk's bumbling detective Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp) and the yoga moves taught them by strip-mall yoga instructor Yogi Bayer (Justin Long).

It all sounds fairly amusing on paper, but it all quickly wears thin onscreen. Especially unfunny is Smith's obsession with goofing on anything Canadian. Perhaps it's more hilarious when viewed drunk or stoned, but Yoga Hosers is so sloppily assembled that it's terribleness is a sobering experience.

Yoga Hosers

Directed by: Kevin Smith

Written by: Kevin Smith

Starring: Lily-Rose Depp, Harley Quinn Smith, Adam Brody, Harley Morenstein, Ashley Greene, Jack Depp, Justin Long, Austin Butler, Vanessa Paradis, Genesis Rodriguez, Natasha Lyonne, Johnny Depp, Jason Mewes, Tony Hale, Haley Joel Osment