Review: The Little Mermaid
It's been 34 years since the release of Ron Howard's Splash, starring then relatively unknowns Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah, and there has yet to be a live action mermaid movie to better it, or even match it for that matter. Certainly The Little Mermaid, not to be confused with Disney's in-the-works live-action remake of its classic 1989 film, doesn't even come close to matching an iota of the enchantment, charm or quality that suffused every frame of Howard's film.
Part of the believability of Splash was due to the winning performances of both Hanks and Hannah, both of who found that tricky spot between grounded reality and wondrous fantasy. On a more practical but even more significant level, Robert Short's design for the mermaid tail, fantastic both in functionality and fluidity of movement, combined with Hannah's prowess at swimming "mermaid style" almost made one believe that mermaids were real.
If it seems slightly odd to wax rhapsodic about Splash in this review, it's also perfectly understandable since it would be far more worthy of one's time to re-watch Splash than to endure any second of The Little Mermaid's 85-minute running time and bear witness to its amateurish execution. Though it seems logical at first, the film makes its biggest mistake from the get-go with its animated opening sequence that briefly rehashes Hans Christian Andersen's beloved fairy tale. We soon discover that the story is being read by Shirley MacLaine's Eloise to her two young granddaughters. Upon finishing, she tells her rapt audience that she remembers things quite differently and proceeds to tell them her version, which involves a little girl named Elle (Loreto Peralta), who lost both her parents and is now living with her loving uncle Cam (William Moseley), but is beset with a mysterious respiratory ailment for which doctors cannot seem to find a cure.
Cam, a reporter, is sent by his editor down to Mississippi to investigate reports of a mysterious cure-all called the Miracle Mermaid Elixir, which is being peddled by circus ringmaster Locke (Armando Gutierrez, who also serves as one of the film's producers). The circus' star attraction is Elizabeth (Poppy Drayton), a lovely mermaid trapped in a glass tank, and the water she swims in is allegedly the main ingredient of the elixir. Young Elle, who already believes that mermaids are real, is fascinated by Elizabeth; Cam is a bit more skeptical though, of course, his doubts will soon be dissolved by Elizabeth's inner and outer beauty. First, the two must find a way to free Elizabeth from Locke's clutches, no easy task especially since he is in possession of Elizabeth's soul.
Drayton is the film's sole bright spot and, though it is clear that she is possessed of talent, one wonders if she shines so brightly less because she imbues more into the character than is written and more because everything around her is so terrible. The Little Mermaid discovers new depths of awfulness and doesn't even have the decency to be so bad that it becomes good. Though Gutierrez takes top prize for turning in the worst performance, Gina Gershon comes a close second as one of the townsfolk whose conviction in the elixir soon dissipates. Flouncing about as if she's auditioning for the role of Blanche Devereaux in a cruise ship production of The Golden Girls, she's saddled with the film's most ridiculously awful dialogue as she warns Cam that Elizabeth may be in danger: "Don't let [Locke] near the apricot. Don't let her rot." Yikes.
The Little Mermaid
Directed by: Blake Harris
Written by: Blake Harris; based on the story by Hans Christian Andersen
Starring: Poppy Drayton, William Moseley, Armando Gutierrez, Shirley MacLaine, Loreto Peralta, Jo Marie Payton, Gina Gershon, Shanna Collins, Hunter Gomez
