Review: Mother's Day

"That was a historic disaster. This is all so stupid. What are we doing?" One would be hard-pressed to find a more accurate summation of Garry Marshall's latest holiday-themed, star-studded Mother's Day, a film which proves that no amount of star power can save a badly written, barely directed, unrelentingly terrible story.

Leading the pack of imprisoned but well-paid stars is Jennifer Aniston as Sandy, a perpetually stressed mother of two still on such good terms with her ex-husband Henry (Timothy Olyphant, all squinty eyes and roguish charm) that she wonders if they might be on the road to reconciliation. Nope. Turns out that Henry has just gotten himself eloped with the much-younger Tina (Shay Mitchell), whose bombshell good looks and immediate ease with the kids send Sandy into DEFCON 1 level Anistonisms.

Meanwhile, Sandy keeps running into physical trainer and widower Bradley (Jason Sudeikis), who is about to face his first Mother's Day without his wife (Jennifer Garner, lucky enough to appear in the briefest of cameos though not fortunate enough to escape this mess altogether). Of course, he's not ready to move and, yes, because he has a teenage daughter, the three (!!!) screenwriters must include a scene with him buying tampons. On the less watchable side of the admittedly whippet-thin spectrum is Kate Hudson's storyline as Jesse, who lives next door to her sister Gabi (Sarah Chalke). They're the unlikely spawn of rambunctious rednecks Earl and Flo (Robert Pine and Margo Martindale, the only ones who seem to be having a hoot and a half), both of whom are so ultra-conservative and inherently racist that both daughters have yet to reveal the truth about their personal lives - namely, that Jesse is married to an Indian guy (Aasif Mandvi) and Gabi is wedded to fellow lesbian Max (Carmen Esposito). Hilarity is presumably meant to ensure when Earl and Flo surprise their daughters for a visit.

Lastly, there is Kristin (Britt Robertson), a new mom whose perpetually cold feet strain her relationship with Zack (Jack Whitehall), an aspiring stand-up comic who is also her baby's father. Kristin's reluctance has to do with a secret concerning Miranda (Julia Roberts), a haughty home shopping network star who has pointedly prioritised her career over motherhood. Roberts must love Marshall, who directed her all those years ago in her star-making role in Pretty Woman, because affection and allegiance are the only logical explanations for her agreeing not only to appear in this dreck, but to have that absurd wig placed upon her head.

Marshall favourite Hector Elizondo comes in to support his Pretty Woman co-star; the two even throw back to that sparkling romantic comedy at one point, but for naught. The scene and much of Mother's Day only serves as a reminder that Marshall has done far better. His work may be brazen and unapologetic wish-fulfillment fantasies, but they were packaged well and he knew how to make his stars shine. There's none of that magic touch in Mother's Day which, for all the plot strands in play, never stirs from its wearisome and willful inertia.

Mother's Day

Directed by: Garry Marshall

Written by: Anya Kochoff Romano, Matthew Walker, Tom Hines

Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, Jason Sudeikis, Timothy Olyphant, Hector Elizondo, Britt Robertson, Sarah Chalke, Shay Mitchell, Aasif Mandvi, Margo Martindale, Robert Pine, Carmen Esposito, Jack Whitehall, Jon Lovitz, Jennifer Garner