Review: Zoolander 2

"I miss not knowing things with you," Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) confesses to friend and former rival Hansel (Owen Wilson). I, for one, miss not knowing a world where Zoolander 2 never existed.

Fifteen years have passed since Zoolander unleashed his "Blue Steel" and blissful ignorance upon the world and, whilst it gained much cult love on DVD since its release, this is neither a film nor a character whose absence has made the heart grow fonder. Was anyone actually wondering where the "really, really ridiculously good-looking" male model has been all this time? For the curious, Derek retreated into self-imposed exile after the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff literally fell to pieces, killing his wife Matilda (Christine Taylor) and disfiguring Hansel, who has taken to wearing a half-mask and having group sex when not meditating on the dunes of Malibu.

The brain cell-sharing dolts are dragged back into the fashion world by Valentina Valencia (Penelope Cruz), a special agent with Interpol's Global Fashion Division who believes Derek may be the one person in the world who can help her solve the mystery of who is killing the most beautiful people in the world. The only clue to be had is the final pose each celebrity strikes before their death, a pose Valentina mistakes as "Blue Steel" but is actually one Derek deployed to sell "Aqua Vitae." The product's commercial, featuring Naomi Campbell and a half-man, half-cow Derek, makes just as much sense as Zoolander 2's actual plot.

Derek is reluctant, but agrees to help Valentina in exchange for her aid in tracking down his son Derek Jr. (Cyrus Arnold), whom he lost to child services after his parental skills were found to be unsurprisingly lacking. His son just so happens to be in Rome, where Derek and Hansel arrived upon the behest of fashion empress Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig), a trout-lipped, leather-faced creature who never met a vowel she couldn't torture. As if there aren't enough plot points that we could care less about, Stiller and co-writers Justin Theroux, John Hamburg, and Nicholas Stoller decide to throw in some Da Vinci Code nonsense about eternal youth, bloodlines, and the chosen one.

The film's biggest mistake, apart from existing in the first place, is delaying the appearance of Derek's nemesis, Mugatu. For one thing, Will Ferrell is ridiculously funny and, for another thing, he is the one constant source of laughs in this deeply unfunny film. Ferrell is also the only one who seems to be having any fort of fun in this film. Everyone else is as flat and lackluster as the movie which, for the most part, feels as if it had lost its will to live.

Zoolander 2

Directed by: Ben Stiller

Written by: Ben Stiller, Justin Theroux, John Hamburg, Nicholas Stoller

Starring: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Penelope Cruz, Kristen Wiig, Kyle Mooney, Justin Theroux, Christine Taylor, Cyrus Arnold, Billy Zane, Benedict Cumberbatch, Kiefer Sutherland