Review: Kidnapping Mr. Heineken

Kidnapping Mr. Heineken is remarkable in its consistency to generate little to no interest or intrigue. I can't recall a film in recent memory so determined to keep viewers disengaged from a story so ripe with potential.

Based on the true story of Alfred "Freddy" Heineken (Anthony Hopkins) and his chauffeur Ab Doderer's (David Dencik) abduction by a quintet of working-class buddies, the film is grim and enervating from the get-go. Smarting from their loan application being rejected by the bank - and generally feeling blue about their lot in life - the men decide to pull off something big. How about kidnapping the beer magnate primarily responsible for establishing Heineken as a global brand, and setting a ransom of 35 million Dutch guilders (approximately 20 million) for his return? Easier said than done, as "Spikes" (Mark van Eeuwen) puts it, "Grabbing anybody is easy. Collecting the ransom and getting away with it is impossible."

The dangers leave family man Cor (Jim Sturgess) and hot-tempered brother-in-law Willem (Sam Worthington) undeterred. They have both thought about pulling off such a caper for years. Willem is none too fond of Heineken, who still commands the loyalty and respect of Willem's father even after being laid off by the company. The blue collars pull off the grab, stashing their white collar prize and the driver in specially built soundproof rooms hidden behind a wall in a construction shed.

Heineken makes for a civil but demanding prisoner, ticking off requests for sundries, Chinese food instead of the ham and cheese sandwiches provided, and a more pleasing musical selection than the one being piped into his cell. After the opening prologue in which Heineken backhandedly compliments his unseen captors for making their own luck, it's a full thirty minutes before Hopkins is in the film proper. Having been bludgeoned with boredom during that time, one thrills at the possibility of the Welshman injecting some gravitas or ravenous scenery-chewing. Those hopes are soon dashed as Hopkins displays little wherewithal either in hamming it up or creating as fully formed a character as Rutger Hauer did as Heineken in the far less anaemic 2011 Dutch retelling, The Heineken Kidnapping.

Screenwriter William Brookfield chooses to focus on the men as they go through the mechanics of their plan and the ensuing dissent amongst the ranks as the ransom payment takes longer than expected. This proves to be a terrible tactic as the characters are so thinly drawn and blandly portrayed. Tension is non-existent. With the near absence of the outside world, it begins to feel as if the kidnapping is some sort of collective hallucination. Yes, director Daniel Alfredson inserts cursory news reports about the crime, but this was an incident that generated international headlines. There's no sense of how Heineken and Doderer's families were coping, what the police were doing, or even the constant threat of discovery (the construction shed was in use by workers whilst the abductees were there). The whole affair is marginalised and rendered pointless.

This could have been a gripping caper. It could have been a psychological game between the haves and have-nots. It could have even served as an origin story for Cor and Willem, who would later become the "Godfathers of the Netherlands." The gang could have been criminals to root for, modern-day Robin Hoods who made a bold grab at the brass ring. Alas and alack, Kidnapping Mr. Heineken is nothing more than a Russian nesting doll of inanities.

Kidnapping Mr. Heineken

Directed by: Daniel Alfredson

Written by: William Brookfield; based on The Kidnapping of Alfred Heineken, by Peter R. de Vries

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Jim Sturgess, Sam Worthington, Ryan Kwanten, Mark van Eeuwen, Thomas Cocquerel, Jemima West, David Dencik